A young trainee manager complained bitterly about his immediate boss, because he was being given far too much responsibility. He thought that his boss was simply “passing the buck” and he obviously felt resentful. When pointed out to him that this was actually an indication of the high regard that his boss had for his capability, his whole attitude changed from resentment to pride, simply because he saw the situation in a new light.
Discussing what would probably happen if one partner had to die, a husband told his wife that he would probably get married again as soon as possible. She immediately thought, “He can’t wait to get rid of me and marry some young popsy.” Naturally she was very upset. But I have told Joy the same thing and her reaction was completely different, because to her it meant that I was enjoying my marriage and would probably want to marry someone just like her. She felt flattered.
Two students reacted completely differently to being turned down for a date. One student thought he was unattractive to girls, and just no good. He became very depressed when a girl refused a date. The other student thought, “What a pity for her she‘s not going to have the pleasure of my company.” He then optimistically approached another girl for a date.
In both cases two people reacted completely differently to a situation because they viewed it, or thought about it, differently.
So often we tell ourselves that we ought to feel hurt or upset when something happens. If you spill your drink on somebody’s dress, you can think “it’s stupid of me to make such a mistake” and feel embarrassed, or you can think “we all have accidents like this once in a while”, offer to have it cleaned and forget about it. When we analyse our thoughts about situations like these we find that many of them are irrational. A newly-wed man may be very upset after a disagreement with his wife. He may think “people who are in love shouldn’t have disagreements”, and so he feels depressed. That is however, not rational thinking — and as we have seen, not realistic either. Yet it is this line of thought which causes his depression, which will affect his relationship with his wife in a negative manner, and lead to further conflict.
Some of the most intense arguments between husband and wife originate as a result of a misunderstanding caused by irrational thoughts.
Can we change our reactions?
Yes, we can change the way we look at situations. We can change our thoughts about the things that happen to us and the things that people say to us. Irrational thoughts can be countered. When you think that you should feel bad because you arrived late for a meeting, your can counter it with something like, “My coming late was due to heavy traffic. It happens in the best of families. When you think that your partner doesn’t love you anymore because he or she hasn’t said so for a long time you can counter it with, “Telling me isn’t the only way to express love.”
You may think, “I should feel embarrassed because my mother- in-law was rude to my friends,” but if you say to yourself that “being embarrassed won’t change anything except to make me feel bad — anyway I’m not responsible for my mother-in-law’s actions” you may avoid a good deal of negative emotion.
Counter-thoughts from God‘s Word
The more we believe in a counter-thought, the quicker we will eliminate the irrational thoughts. That is why counter-thoughts that are based on God‘s truth are the most effective ones. Let’s look at some irrational thoughts that we experience frequently and see how God counters them. And remember, when God gives a command He always provides the ability to obey Him.
“I couldn’t help myself. Something just made me do it.” God says that each person will be held accountable for his own actions (Romans 14:12).
“Making that mistake was terrible. I’ll never be able to forget it.” God says we are to forget the things that are behind us and focus on the future (Philippians 3:14).
“It is terrible when things go wrong.” God says that in all things He works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28), therefore we are to thank Him for everything (Ephesians 5:20).
“I can’t control my emotions.” God says His children must simply put away all anger, passion and hateful feelings (Colossians 3:8).
“I’m so worried about that situation.” God says we must cast our anxieties on Him because He cares for us (I Peter 5:7).
“I can’t stand the way others act.” God says we are to be
tolerant and forgiving towards others (Ephesians 4:32).
“If others criticise me, I must be at fault.” God says His disciples are to be glad when others slander them falsely (Matthew 5:11) .
— “I must never show my weakness.” God says that His strength is only revealed when we are weak (II Corinthians 12:9).
“I am inferior — just a nobody.” God says that those who belong to Him are a chosen people and a royal priesthood (I Peter 2:9).
The choice is ours
It is probably not accurate to say that when we become angry it’s because we decide to be angry, or that when we are depressed it’s because we choose to be depressed. However it is accurate to state that we can choose how to view a situation, how to think about it, how to interpret it. And remember, how we look at it determines our emotional reactions to it. We can either believe God, or believe our own feelings. The choice is ours!
Thanks,
I will ask my irrational angry wife, who thinks every thing I say is some evil plot against her, to read this. It may not help her, but it helped me.