“She angrily blamed me for the divorce despite my desperate attempts to hold things together. In her mind, I failed so miserably as a husband that she was forced to run around with her boss! Are you saying that this transfer of responsibility is typical when one spouse has been unfaithful?”
Guilt is a very painful emotion, and the person who is wilfully tearing up a home in pursuit of a new lover is in an uncomfortable position. He (or she) feels condemnation from four primary sources— from the rejected husband or wife, from the children, from friends and associates, and from God. In order to justify his behaviour, he energetically constructs a verbal defence around those who would testify against him in the divorce court. His purpose, of course, is to make adultery seem reasonable and downright godly. That takes some creativity!
Ask any victim of an affair; he or she has probably heard a specialized version of the following rationalizations:
To resolve marital guilt… ‘I know that what I’m doing is difficult for you now, but some day you will understand that it is for the best. I never really loved you even when we were young. In fact, we should never have got married in the first place. Furthermore, this divorce is really your fault. You drove me to it by— [insert grievances here, such as frigidity, in-law problems, nagging, overwork, or all the foregoing].
This message has a transparent purpose. The first sentence marvellously purifies the motives of the unfaithful spouse. It says in effect, ‘I’m really doing this for your good.’ The second sentence is also a beauty. It is designed to serve as an ‘annulment’ to the marriage instead of a cruel abandonment of a loved one. By saying that they should never have got married, their union becomes an unfortunate mistake rather than a relationship that God himself ordained and cemented. (Henry VIII used this approach to eject his first barren wife, Anne Boleyn.) Then by putting the remaining responsibility on the other party, what was left of the blame is successfully transferred from the guilty to the innocent. So much for wedding vows. Now let’s deal with the children.
To resolve parental guilt… ‘This will be hard on the children for a while, but they’ll be better of in the long run. It certainly isn’t healthy for them to see us fight and argue like we’ve been doing. Besides, I will spend just as much time with them after things settle down as I do now.’
Here guilt over the children is also tucked away. Would you believe that Dad’s escapade with another woman or Mum’s flight with the local romeo is actually a constructive thing? Never mind what the children see and comprehend with their big, beautiful eyes. Pay no heed to the conclusions they draw about why Mummy or Daddy left, and why he or she doesn’t love them any more, and why God let it happen, and why the divorce may have been their fault, and why life is so painful and frightening. Try to ignore the fact that everything stable has just come unstuck in the lives of some very impressionable and sensitive children. Don’t think about it, and maybe your rapidly beating heart will return to normal again. Guilt over the children can be the toughest to rationalize but, fortunately, hundreds of books and movies are available today that will help you silence your writhing conscience.
To resolve social guilt sure our friends won’t understand at first and I can hardly wait to hear what your mother will have to say. But it’s like I told the pastor last week, our divorce is really no one’s fault. We’ve just outgrown each other. People change as the years go by, and relationships have to change to accommodate them.’ (If a woman is speaking she may say: ‘Besides, I am entitled to do what’s best for me once in a while. I’ve given my entire life to everyone else—now it’s time for me to think of myself. It’s only fair that I fit into the picture at some point, and this is it. Anyway, what’s right for me will prove best for you and the children, too.’)
This line of reasoning has been provided for women today almost word for word by the more radical elements of the feminist movement. It is only one of many rationalizations by which selfishness can be purified and made to appear altruistic. Three down and one to go.
To resolve divine guilt… ‘I’ve prayed about this decision and I am now certain that God approves of what I’ve chosen to do.’
There it is, folks, in living colour—the ultimate rationalization. If the Creator in his infinite wisdom has considered the matter and judged it to be the best interest of everyone, who can argue the point further? The conversation is over. Sin has been sanctified. Guilt is expunged. Self-respect is restored …and, alas, evil has prevailed. Having settled the ‘big four’, every moral and spiritual obstacle is removed. The stage is set for separation and/ or divorce.
