Stop Telling Him How to Get You What You Want

As I’ve said, trying to tell your husband how to do something is highly ineffective. Still, it’s not unusual for women to try to get what they want by giving their husbands instructions about how to get it—as if he wouldn’t otherwise know that there’s such a thing as a florist or a mall nearby.

This doesn’t work because when a husband feels controlled or disrespected, he gets worn down and lethargic. He reacts with stinginess and distances himself because he’s lost the motivation to be generous. If you suspect your husband is stingy, it could be that he’s been so preoccupied with defending himself and avoiding your criticism that he hasn’t had the energy to focus on doing things to please you. If you excuse yourself from having to respect him because he seems so unkind and selfish, he will probably continue to withhold, and the two of you will be locked in a permanent standoff.

Let’s go back into the restaurant for a minute to illustrate this point. The server wants to take your order, but instead of telling her what you want—say the apricot chicken—you begin telling her how to prepare it. You describe how to clean the chicken properly, then how to season it, and how much of each ingredient to use. You tell her how to cook it, and for how long, and how to garnish it so it will be appetizing. Naturally, the restaurant staff would find you pretty irritating. Even if they did follow your instructions, they’d probably also take a nice long cigarette break before they brought your food to the table because nobody wants to be told how to do his job.

Fortunately, most of us go into a restaurant and order a meal without telling the server how to make it. This works beautifully. The server gives the order to the cook, who prepares the dish, which arrives at our table. Everybody is happy.

Although I don’t think of my husband as a server whose sole job is to fill my orders, this same system works very well in my marriage. If I tell my husband I want something, he works to get it for me as best he can.

If you think your happiness is a low priority for your husband, you’re dead wrong. He’s probably just responding defensively to you telling him how to do what you want him to do.

Once you are respecting him most of the time, his natural gratitude and desire to please you will surface, so start telling him what you want. Tell him in a way that is respectful and self-honoring by refraining from saying anything that could—even in the slightest way—be construed as controlling how he pleases you.

Just state your desire, and let him figure out the rest. When you say to your husband, “I want a new dress,” or “I want another baby,” or “I want a bigger house,” you are giving him a new opportunity to feel accomplished and proud about how happy he makes you. In return, you do feel happy and taken care of, and both of you appreciate that.

Notice, however, that these examples are all end-results. Expressing the desire for a new dress is very different from telling him to go to the department store and buy you a blue dress for your birthday. Saying you want another baby is far different from telling him he needs to wear looser underwear to keep his sperm count up. Saying you want a bigger house is a lot different than telling him to ask for a raise so the two of you can afford one.

Do you see the difference? I’m suggesting that you tell him the end-result, but not specify how it happens.

Stop Telling Him Why He Should Get You What You Want

Another common technique that women use to try to motivate their husbands to do what they want is giving them lengthy explanations to justify their demands. As you can imagine, this approach is also highly ineffective.

Just as you would tell the server at a restaurant what you want without a long song and dance about how hungry you are because You haven’t eaten all day, there’s no need to elaborate about why you want what you want.

It’s not necessary to say, “I want the apricot chicken becaus_e chicken is not as fatty as beef, and I like chicken with a sweet sauce on it and I’ve had the chicken here before and it’s not too dry.” Nor do you need to say, “I want to get a new dress because all of my old ones are worn out, and it’s been three years since I bought anything new for myself, and I saved $40 on groceries with coupons last month.” Although you’re just adding explanation_s, they sound dangerously like complaints, which automatically put him on the defensive and may even cause him to tune out. The subtext of your message is “You never think I deserve anything, but I am going to tell you why you’re wrong.”

Telling your husband what you want isn’t a play for power or a forum for testing how well he responds to your demands. Rather, it is a way for both of you to feel pleased. Saying, “I want a bigger house” is not the same as saying, “I want a new house because this one is so small it is absolutely driving me nuts! I’m sick of having to live in such cramped quarters. Plus, I think the neighborhood is going downhill. . .”

Many wives make demands, which cause terrible resentment. Saying, “You should buy me that necklace in the window at Tiffany’s” is a demand. Any sentence that starts with “You should . . .”, “Why don’t you?” or “I want you to . . .” is automatically a demand because it’s a request expressed with a sense of control.

When you demand something of your husband, you’re still controlling him, still acting like his mother, and he will still resist being told what to do. Making a demand tends to raise his ire and actually push him away from getting you what you want.

Before you tell him what it is you want, think about it carefully and make sure that you are specific about the end result you have in mind. Expressing what you want is about letting your husband know what it is that you need and like, which is completely reasonable.

You are imparting information about yourself—not activating your control clutches. There’s also no need to make requests— which can be perceived as demands—because your husband will want to give you what he knows you want.

In the movie Phenomenon, John Travolta’s character visits a woman who lives on the outskirts of town, and gives her two kids a ride home along the way. When he gets there, she asks him what a man who drops in and brings her kids home is expecting—to be served dinner? Travolta responds by saying, “Not expecting, just hoping.”

She served him dinner.

As you express your desires, be sure that you are not expecting, just hoping. As long as you do that, you are free to want absolutely everything in the world! Most women do. Don’t be afraid to express your pure desire for something you want but fear your husband can’t afford. You’re not making a demand—but you are giving him the opportunity to surprise and please you.

Sometimes it’s tempting to soften your desires by asking your husband for something instead of just saying you want it. This may sound odd, but I notice women express themselves in questions all the time. I did it not long ago when a friend was over. The windows were open in the living room, and as I jumped up to close them, instead of saying, “I’m cold” I said, “Aren’t you cold? I’m going to close these.” As it turns out she wasn’t cold. She also didn’t mind my closing the windows, but it had nothing to do with her desires. I was the one who wanted to warm up, but I tried to win her agreement to make myself feel less selfish.

One woman was disappointed when her husband refused her after she asked, “Can we take the kids for pizza tonight?” Again, she didn’t come out and state her desire. She probably felt like she did, but instead, she asked him for something, as if he were Santa Claus, or her dad. Since he said, “No, not tonight,” he was the bad guy.

By contrast, if this woman had said, “I want to go out for pizza with the kids tonight,” as a statement, she would not have put any demands on him, but she would have given him the opportunity to make her happy.

Take ownership of your own desires by making a statement (as opposed to asking a question) that starts with “I want” or “I don’t want.”

Stop Projecting Your Desires

Sometimes we try to project our desires onto our husbands so that we don’t seem to want so much. Have you ever said something like, “Don’t you want to see the Grand Canyon this summer?” or “Don’t you think it would be great to have a swimming pool?” I have. Then, when my husband says he doesn‘t feel strongly about seeing the Grand Canyon or getting a swimming pool, I’m compelled to argue with him about why he doesn‘t want what I want. Then he gets exasperated and just agrees with me to keep the peace. But I don’t just want him to comply; I want him to feel the same way I do, even when he doesn‘t.

I find it’s much easier to take ownership of my desires by saying, “I want to see the Grand Canyon this summer,” or “I want to have a swimming pool.”

A variation on this theme is using the word “we” when what you really mean is “I.” Whenever you find yourself using the word “we” with your husband, chances are you’re trying to distance yourself from your own desire.

When my husband hears me saying that “we” should do this or that, he immediately sees that I’m speaking for him out of a need to control. He doesn‘t care about things that “we” want. He cares about things that I want.

Instead of saying “we need to get the kids piano lessons” or “we need new miniblinds,” try to say “I want to get the kids piano lessons” and “I want new miniblinds.”

“There is no wealth but life.”

The unromantic mother/son dynamic (where you tell your husband how much he can spend or what he can buy) is the first thing to go when you let him manage the finances. Remember: Men are not attracted to their mothers. The other changes that came about when I surrendered the finances were astounding. Not only was I reenergized when I stopped nagging and worrying, but there were miracles that I hadn’t experienced since those glory days when John and I were dating:

1. The miracle of perpetual dating:

Remember when you and your husband first met and you basked in the feeling of being taken care of every time he paid the dinner bill, bought the movie tickets, or financed a trip? Why should that warm feeling disappear after years of marriage? When your husband manages the finances, you may feel vulnerable, yes, but you will also feel protected and looked after.

Perpetual dating literally means returning to the roles each of you played during your courtship. Remember how much fun that was? Let him open the door for you. Order what appeals to you instead of trying to keep the price down. Don’t begrudge him spending money on his soda. Thank him for dinner, and tell him how much you enjoyed being with him. Let him take you out the way he used to. Or, if he didn’t take you out in the beginning, let him start doing it now. You deserve it.

2. The miracle of increased generosity:

When husbands manage the money, they tend to be much more generous with their wives than the wives were with themselves. Perhaps it’s because we’re just trying to be practical and spend less to put a little more into savings or pay off debt or swing a room addition for the house. We know we can get by with the shoes we have. But to our husbands, giving us things above and beyond what we need is a joy, so they surprise and spoil us.

When we slice and dice the family income, we rob them of the joy of giving. No matter how successful he is, he feels like a little worker bee, passively providing for his family. Instead of showering his wife with gifts, he simply puts a roof over her head, food on the table, and clothes on her back. By contrast, when your husband controls the finances, he is in the position to give you gifts every day. If you’re concerned that he’ll forget or one day deny you your gifts, don’t worry. That would be letting down the person who means the most to him in the world, and more than anything, men love the pride that comes with providing for and treating their wives. That delicious feeling of self-worth makes him feel masculine—and that’s a wonderful jumping off point for intimacy.

3. The miracle of greater prosperity:

When you are in charge of the balances, your husband has no relationship to the money he earns. He is removed from any incentive to increase his income because he has little influence over how the money’s spent.

When husbands have an immediate relationship with the finances, they feel the urgency to keep the coffers full and to earn more and provide well. Men have a clearer sense of where the money’s going and how much extra (or deficit) is left after the bills are paid when they have a firsthand account of the family’s monetary needs.

Furthermore, if he’s had to accommodate your tendency to control everything—from when he goes to the doctor and dentist to how much money he spends—he has felt demeaned on some level, even if he hasn’t expressed it. If you’ve long suspected that your husband could be making more money or doing more with his talents, you’re probably right. Once he feels respected at home, his self-esteem increases, making him much more powerful at work. If the woman who knows him better than anyone else thinks he is sharp enough to handle the finances for the whole family and thanks him for doing such a good job, then he will start to believe that he is indeed smart and capable.

It makes sense if you think about it. The more you feel you’re worth, the more likely you are to prosper.

Intimacy requires courage because risk is inescapable. We cannot know at the outset how the relationship will affect us.

Surrendering to your husband may make you feel more vulnerable than ever before. Even your own survival instincts will scream at you that being vulnerable in your marriage is insanity. You risk heartbreak and disappointment when you reveal your true desires and feelings without masking them with anger or control. The reward for taking that risk, however, is that your husband will have the opportunity to respond with tenderness instead of defensiveness. When your iron curtain comes down, he will feel safe to reveal himself, too. Instead of breaking your heart, he will hold it tenderly.

Some people may tell you that surrendering is appalling because it is “so sexist and antifeminist.” They will claim that the mind-set I am suggesting is a throwback, and that you will be giving up the equality and independence women have gained.

Their underlying message is don’t let yourself be too vulnerable.

I understand this because I once thought of vulnerability as something to avoid. I thought that people who were vulnerable were weak, which was a terribly unattractive quality for an able-bodied and strong-minded woman to present to the world. Today, however, I strive to be vulnerable in my marriage, and I consider my ability to go to that tender place one of my best qualities. I no longer think of nay vulnerability as repulsive; instead I recognize that it’s attractive.

The most attractive part about it is the glow that comes from having that magical feeling of knowing that you are passionately and tenderly loved and that you love back completely. When you’re intimate, you know traits about each other that you never show to the rest of the world, and you find each other even more attractive and wonderful because of those qualities. You feel certain that he will never use what he knows against you, because you shared it with utter trust and confidence that he is honor-bound to hold in safe hands.

Sharing that kind of intimacy naturally clears the way for affection and love because it removes the barriers of defense. Your passion was there all the time, but you couldn’t feel it through the distance between you and your mate. The same urgent impulse to intertwine that you felt when you first met is still there, and when the conditions are right, you feel it all over again.

This primal and spiritual state perpetuates a healthy sex life, the willingness to hang in through hard times, a spark of excitement in what would otherwise be an ordinary day, and that enduring look of affection you sometimes see from couples who have been together for a very long time.

In the old days I used to tell my husband to stop watching so much TV. I would implore him to cut his late hours at work. I told him I needed help with the yard. Of course what I really wanted was for him to pay more attention to me. Needless to say at this Point, my strategy was worse than useless.

I now have a more vulnerable and more effective approach, which I’ll explain.

Let’s suppose you want more attention—more romanc_e i_nyour marriage. Let’s suppose further that your husband is gone a lot because he works too much or plays golf frequently. You might feel that if he would just work or golf a little less and stay home a little more, he would have more time to for you. In your mind, whateve_r is taking all his time is preventing you from having long conversations, candlelight dinners and bubble baths for two. You might begin to resent whatever he does while he’s away because, in your mind, you are in competition with that activity for his time and attention.

Megan felt this way about her marriage. Her husband, Steve, was in a high-tech business and frequently worked late. She often told him she was sick of his working so much and that she needed help around the house. Of course, this didn’t keep him home more.

Steve probably felt defensive and unappreciated too. I’ve heard men say things like: “Doesn’t she realize that the reason I work so hard is for her?” Megan’s requests probably sounded like pressure to her husband who was trying to balance the needs of his job with those of his family.

After surrendering, Megan learned that beneath her obvious feelings of anger was a more vulnerable feeling: loneliness. She missed her husband when he was gone a lot. Asking him to do things or “choring” him was her way of getting him to stay home. Instead of drawing him to her, her constant nagging was repelling him.

The turning point for Megan and Steve came when she found the courage to tell him what had been true all along: that she missed him!

As you can imagine, this approach had an impact. Steve didn’t say much, but he smiled and looked at her appreciatively. To her surprise, Steve managed to leave work earlier twice that week.

By letting him know she longed for his presence and his company, Megan was complimenting him where she used to harangue him. She made him feel important and needed on an emotional level, rather than just a utilitarian one.

The next time you find yourself wishing your husband wouldn’t read, watch TV, work, golf, or tinker so much, tell him _you miss him. Say it as often as you feel it, even if you are self- conscious hearing the words come out of your mouth.

No matter what you miss your message is the same

Some women object to telling their husbands they miss them because they say that’s not how they feel. “I’m just overwhelmed taking care of the kids by myself all the time,” they tell me. The truth is these women do miss something about their husbands. Whether you miss his help disciplining the kids, his masculine presence, or your lover’s touch is immaterial. There’s only one message to convey: You miss him!

I know that it will take courage to deliver this message, but remember your husband loves your tender side. Think of how much dignity you’ll feel when you don’t hear yourself screeching and complaining like your mother on her worst day. Imagine how much energy you’ll save and harmony you’ll enjoy when you pass up the temptation to complain in favor of revealing your deepest feelings. If you crave romance, I assure you this is a worthwhile risk.

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more.

Strive to be vulnerable with your husband by baring your most tender feelings and admitting when you’re hurt rather than covering it with anger. When you feel the fear of being rejected or abandoned welling up, find your courage by reminding yourself that you are safe with your husband.

Keep in mind that you can be intimate with your husband only to the degree that you are willing to show him your soft underbelly, because vulnerability is the part of us that connects with other human beings.

Vulnerability is not the same as weakness—it actually takes much more strength and courage to risk emotionally than it does to stay defended.

Surrendering requires that you purposely make yourself vulnerable. You must take some risks to have the kind of marriage you crave.

Being vulnerable with my husband means letting my tears come instead of masking my hurt with anger. It means that even when I feel attacked, I put my fists down and let him see that I am fragile. It means holding steady even when I realize I could be rejected or abandoned when I’m the least prepared for it.

But why would I do any of that? Why take those risks at all?

Because I can enjoy intimacy with my husband only to the degree that I can be vulnerable with him. Thus, a critical part of surrendering is striving to be vulnerable with your husband.

When you are unguarded, you reveal the part of you that naturally connects to another human being. You remind him of your humanity—and his—and you inspire his masculine instinct to protect and support you.

When you let down your guard, the truth comes out in an endearing way, and you feel the incomparable pleasure and joy of being loved just as you are, not for who you think you should be. Intimacy and closeness spring from the relief of admitting you’re not at all perfect, and finding out that you’re still lovable. Intimacy thrives when you relax in your own skin—without having to be vigilant—because you know you’re safe.

Ever picked your child up from a birthday party and opened the door on a roomful of kids bouncing off the walls? All that sugar has an amazingly dramatic effect on the brain. So it’s hardly surprising that in daily life, too, overdoing the sweet stuff affects your child’s behaviour.

Getting the right kind of sugar

Nothing is more important for your child’s brain than sugar — blood sugar, or glucose, that is. It’s the brain’s main fuel, so without an adequate supply we can’t think clearly. We get it from the carbohydrates in the foods we eat. The trick lies in keeping that supply even.

Too much, and you get the wall-bouncing effect. Too little, and your child could experience symptoms like fatigue, irritability, dizziness, insomnia, aggression, anxiety, sweating (especially at night), poor concentration, excessive thirst, depression, crying spells or blurred vision. So, for your child to be able to think with clarity and behave rationally, it’s vital that their glucose supply stays steady and even.

So, what do you need to do to improve your child’s blood sugar balance and banish these symptoms?

Eat low-GL foods

The measure of what a food does to your blood sugar is known as the Glycemic Load (GL). The sugars and starches in foods with a high GL (refined carbohydrates, such as white bread, sweets and biscuits) are broken down and absorbed quickly into the bloodstream making your child’s blood glucose levels soar. Your child is likely to experience a sudden burst of energy followed by an energy crash. Meanwhile, the sugars and starches in foods with a low GL (complex carbohydrates such as whole grains, vegetables, beans or lentils, or with simpler carbohydrates such as fruit) take longer to digest than refined carbohydrates. As a result, the glucose released from these foods trickles slowly into the bloodstream. This means that it’s used for energy rather than being stored, leaving blood glucose levels on an even keel, and preventing dramatic changes in mood, behaviour and energy.

For a powerhouse of goodness there is nothing to beat sprouted seeds. They contain all the plant’s nutrients in a highly concentrated form and are fantastic energy boosters.

Excess alcohol really does put an enormous strain on your system. The next day it is almost impossible not to feel tired and irritable from lack of sleep, and suffer the ghastly aftereffects as your body struggles to cope with toxic overload. It is no wonder that you feel like death warmed up.

Hangover busting sprouts

Sprouted seeds are bursting with life. Eating them will give you energy and help your system to clean out. They are also cheap and easy to grow.

Special sprouters are available in good health stores, or alternatively you can use a large glass jar. To sprout seeds, spread a fine layer over the shelves of a sprouter or put a handful into a jar. Keep them in a light but cool spot, out of direct sunlight and water twice a day. If you are using a jar, cover the top with a mesh ‘lid’ made from a piece of muslin or nylon stocking. Drain off the water after watering so that the seeds are not left to lie in water. After a day or so, tiny shoots will appear. You can continue to grow the seeds for several days, harvesting along the way. You can also buy seeds ready sprouted in supermarkets and health stores.

Some of the best seeds to sprout for a hangover are alfalfa or sunflower. Sunflower seeds strengthen your eyes’ sensitivity to light and are a potent detoxifier. Alfalfa contains potassium and other minerals and has an anti- inflammatory and cleansing effect on the body. Although not a seed, mung beans are also a good choice. They are rich in minerals, B and C vitamins and are excellent for detoxification.They’re also one of the easiest ‘seeds‘ to sprout.

Always use the buddy system when you’re out on the town

Always have a designated “sober” person when you go to parties, nightclubs, or any social situation. Make sure you have a “team meeting” before you leave. “Plan your dive, dive your plan”—the same motto holds true for party girls. Have fun, but always have a buddy—someone who checks up on you, and who you check on throughout the night. A friend is not a policeman, but someone who is looking out for your best interest. Plan to check in with each other every half-hour or so; at the end of the night, arrange a meeting place to convene before going home.

A Friend Is Someone Who:

Doesn’t let her friends drive drunk. If any of your friends have had a few too many, do not let them drive. Call a cab or drive them home yourself.

Doesn’t let her friend go home with the stranger at the bar. No matter how cute and sexy he is, you just can’t trust a stranger. Encourage your friend to get the guy’s phone number and call him the next day. Besides, Safety Chicks aren’t slutty. If the guy’s worth it, he’ll wait for your call.

Gets her friend immediate medical attention if she appears to be dangerously intoxicated. If your friend seems smashed after only a few drinks, if she passes out or seems to have trouble breathing, or if she’s not behaving like her normal self, get medical attention. Even if she drank too much alcohol and is just really intoxicated, she needs help. People have died from consuming too much alcohol.

Warns her friend about high-risk situations, such as clubs where “closings” have occurred. If you have heard that a club, party, or frat house has been known to put drugs into drinks, tell your friends and suggest another location to socialize. If you see or hear that someone is “dosing” a drink or punch bowl, intervene. Confront the person, warn potential victims, discard the drinks, and call the police. If your intuition tells you that the setting is dangerous, grab your friends and get out.

Always trusts her friends‘ intuition as well as her own. The more intuition, the better; if any of your friends raise a concern, listen to them. Make safety decisions together. If you feel strongly about something, communicate your concerns. Chicks work collectively to avoid trouble.

Enjoying a night out with the girls is one of the most liberating experiences for a woman, and you know and I know that there’s not enough of those. By sharing how to be safe, I am not suggesting that you should don a habit and go live in a nunnery. But the reality of the world we live in these days requires that a truly liberated Safety Chick must work and play with strength and common sense.