“Sacrificed a life“! Weighty words indeed. What do they mean? Sacrifice means to “give up” — but has this parent given up a life for a child? Or has the parent devoted his/her life to the child? I would assume that the latter is what is meant. Unfortunately, this does happen. Unfortunately, because the parent has denied himself/herself a balanced life. A parent cannot live through a child — she/he has her/his own to lead. It’s a distorted relationship. What happens when that child leaves home? The parent‘s life is over. And the poor child is smothered. It isn’t kind to think every thought for a child, to do every deed for a child, to shield a child from every harm, to rob a child of the opportunity to discover life, to develop skills, to learn from mistakes, to feel life. For this a parent wants a thank you?
Let me explain. The parent has done all these things with the best and noblest of intentions — of that I’m certain — but has stunted all possible growth in the child. The parent has over-lovingly drowned the child‘s “root system”. The child has to start functioning independently for the first time as an adult. If the opportunity for safe training during the developmental stage had been allowed, the child would have grown into an adult who is able to cope. The parent naturally didn’t see it that way. The child needs to get away from the overpowering influence of the parent in order to be receptive to receiving, learning, growing, thinking, feeling and living. So the adult child might be afraid to be too close to the parent again, now that he/she has finally and painfully found his/her own feet. The independent adult child is still afraid of being engulfed.
Parents do feel they deserve some kind of recognition for this kind of life-long sacrifice. Understandably so, but can an elderly parent looking back now possibly see why her child isreacting this way? It is a heart-breaking situation.
There are other reasons for the low yield in dividends of sacrificial parenting, such as anger, resentment, inadequacies and so on, but indirectly they are all linked to the dynamics sketched above.
It would be presumptious of me to allocate the correct amount of time, money, energy, accommodation or affection you should bestow on your parent. Hopefully, though, this guidelines in assessing for yourself the debt you owe your parent and coming to a comfortable and right decision that works for you, your family and aged parent. Good luck!
