Guilt is a feeling of self-blame. How can adult children blame themselves for having certain obligations to their family or for harbouring feelings of irritation which they’ve had for twenty- five years or more towards their parent? Feelings are neither good nor bad, they are facts. It is a fact that you feel A or B for your parent. These feelings have grown during your long relationship and they are absolutely legitimate reasons for deciding for or against close contact. A fund of love, trust and respect accumulates over years as does mistrust, disrespect and annoyance. Affection and concern should motivate you to give parents moral support, not guilt. Guilt is a poor motivator. Your parents cannot demand love — love is the fruit of a deeply caring parental relationship, which is nurtured from birth.
A number of people in homes for the aged complained to me that their children hardly ever came to visit them. At first I thought this was very sad, until I made a point of visiting several of those adult children.
Their replies expressed sentiments like, “Why should I visit my father? In my youth he was punitive and selfish, and rejected me. He spent no time with us and he ruined my self-esteem, which I am, at forty-five, still trying to improve . . .” This was the gist of what these children said. Other remarks were on the lines of, “When I really needed my mother, when society turned its back on me, my mother too turned her back on me. The only person I believed would never fail me . . .”
So, when I heard a pathetic, frail-looking old man or woman voicing disappointment at their child’s lack of concern, and after having spoken to the child, I asked myself honestly, do I blame the adult child? I think you know my answer. The history of your past relationship does not dissolve the day your parent faces a crisis. It can’t. The memory of the past is always there.
I also spoke to elderly people who stated that their adult children were a great source of delight to them and that without them they’d have no reason for living.
I reiterate that all decisions concerning what you owe your parent should be discussed with your spouse as he/she is more detached than you and can therefore see more clearly whether your parent’s demands are reasonable. Your spouse can play a major part in banishing tormenting feelings of guilt. It is fallacious to think that you as adult child are the only one in a position to render the very best all-round service to your parent. How can one human being fulfill all the needs of another person? I assure you, someone else can bath or shop or cook or mend for your mother just as well as you can. The price you pay for saying yes on every occasion might just be more than you can possibly afford — physically and/or emotionally. All you’re really doing is punishing yourself. It is a serious error to rearrange your life out of a sense of guilt.
The question to keep asking yourself is, “Do I really want to be with my parent? I must make sure though that it fits in with my existing schedule.” The question not to ask is, “How much do I owe my parent?” Debt in the moral sense implies repayment. How on earth does one repay moral debts? Each one of us is motivated to respond in different ways to different people and events. To be indebted morally is a weight none of us carries comfortably. We need to make responsible choices and decisions using our framework of moral absolutes as our guide.
A daughter-in-law asked: “What about my mother-in-law who demands that my husband visit her on the way to and from work, who demands to spend every weekend with us and who threatens that without her son’s constant attention she‘d die?”
This mother has been manipulating her son for years — she’s continuing in the same pattern. When this adult son finds the courage to withdraw from these unrealistic demands, she may end up with some bruised feelings, but her son will end up being a man — who is free to live his life in accordance with his values and beliefs.
Responsibility for an ageing parent depends on the relationship you’ve had previously, your sense of duty/obligation, your family’s feelings, your life’s schedule and, most of all, your concern and love, or lack of it; not guilt, unrealistic demands or a desire for martyrdom.
