It is often said that older people are like children. There is as much truth in that as there is in saying the moon is square.
I think what is really meant, is that older people sometimes react in ways that seem irrational — and this is equated with the reactions of children. It is often not understood what caused certain reactions. You cannot deduce from your frame of reference what prompted certain behaviours, so you simply say to an elderly parent: “You’re acting like a child.” I would like to prove that old(er) people are not like children.
Older people are demanding – just like children
Some older people are demanding, many aren’t. This characteristic is not exclusive to older persons. A demanding old person was probably a demanding young person. Characteristics are exaggerated in later years but it’s highly unlikely that someone’s essential nature will change. Demanding personalities are probably created during childhood. A child who had to demand attention because the parents were too busy or too ignorant to give it, might well grow into a demanding adult.
The problem with direct demands is that they evoke a negative reaction in others. We tend to avoid people who are demanding. This often aggravates the problem. What would ease the situation for you would be to recognise that you have a demanding parent, that he/she has always been demanding and little is going to change that. All you can do is give that parent a little more attention.
You may well be thinking, “The more I give, the more he/she demands”. Unfortunately that sometimes happens and then you must simply say, “I’m sorry, that is all I have time/money/ space for today.”
Older people and children are always frustrated
We’re all frustrated from time to time. But frustration in older people may have special causes. One may be lack of education, which leads to a feeling of being unfulfilled. Lack of financial resources could prohibit indulgence in certain interests. Well-meaning, loving children may compound the frustration by not letting the parent lead his own life. Doing everything for a parent can be counter-productive. Many of us have this silly notion that older people should cut down on their activities.
In reaction to this frustration older people may become irritable, cantankerous or apathetic. Encouraging them to participate in suitable activities (suitable by their definition) is the most constructive way to lessen the frustration.
Children are frustrated because you, as their parents, have imposed certain restrictions on what they’d like to do. This cannot by any stretch of the imagination be compared to the frustrations caused or felt by your elderly parent. Your child’s opportunity to indulge in life’s offerings will come — for your parent, the prospects ahead are not so promising.
Older people and children are always bored
This statement is wrong. Boredom afflicts every one of us who lacks the inner resources to generate interests, occupations or pursuits. These give our life purpose and shape. Boredom is not reprehensible but sad, because it’s a waste of life. It’s heartbreaking when it occurs among the elderly as it often overtakes someone who has possibly been active and involved previously. Boredom sometimes stems from neglect or a lack of contact or opportunities to become involved. A negative and common side-effect is hypochondria.
We all dread illness, but the fear is suppressed by other thoughts and activities that are part of a normal busy life. When we have time on our hands “sickness anxiety” tends to dominate our thoughts.
Children, on the other hand, are naughty when they are bored. They do all sorts of mischievous things to alleviate their boredom. They do not normally develop hypochondriac tendencies.
Older people might also alleviate their boredom by developing petty grievances or an obsessional preoccupation with routine.
I remember rushing off after a day of teaching to purchase my mother’s groceries, mark books, and do various other essential chores, before delivering the groceries. My mother usually started preparing dinner at five o’clock sharp, but I unavoidably arrived at five-thirty on that day. It is hard to imagine, unless you’ve experienced it, how thirty minutes can throw a person right out of gear! She was frantic because:
- something may have happened to me
- dinner would be late (because the ingredients arrived thirty minutes late)
- the rush would be on to ensure that dinner would not be later than “normal” despite the delay in delivery.
It is utterly useless to look at the situation from a “full day” point of view. One has to try and view such or similar incidents from an older person’s viewpoint. There were many idle hours in her day and because she was waiting for her child and her food and looking at the clock at ten-minute intervals, thirty minutes was a long time. I, on the other hand, had so much to do that I was hardly aware of the fact that I was a few minutes late!
It is fallacious to think that older people become smaller in body, mind and spirit. Externally they may shrink a bit, but why should a spirit or mind contract? Why should an older person be more or less bored than any other person? The stimuli needed to make us feel satisfied or exhilarated are highly subjective at any stage of our lives. At no stage do any of us want to experience boredom.
To combat boredom, it would be advisable to look at various options with an elderly parent and to encourage him/her to pursue one or more of those options.
Well-meaning, loving adult children sometimes lavish too much care on a parent. You insist: “Let me make the tea, do the shopping, take you here or there, wash your hair.” If the parent is able and enjoys doing all those things, you are, in fact foisting rest and freedom from responsibility as a life style on your parent.
The funny thing about rest is that it is only enjoyable when it alternates with activity. Haven’t we all experienced the lovely feeling of sitting quietly with a book in the garden, or of soaking in a warm bath or lying on the sofa, half-dozing, half-listening to music in the background? Blissfully restful activities after effort and challenge – self-rewards, little indulgences – just to charge the batteries again for more effort.
Now try just resting, lying in a warm bath and so on. Try it today – all day, tomorrow, this week, next week, next month . . . Then tell me whether you feel bored or not.
We really need to bear this in mind when we, with so much love and care, unintentionally deny our parents the opportunity to do things for themselves.
to be continued
