How often have I heard that said! Parents were astounded when I said little Jack was no problem to teach – in fact, a pleasure to have in the class. I was assured that that was not the case at home. Little Jack was difficult, rude, disobedient.
Why does this happen? It is not because your child has a split personality. It is a combination of things, among them the fact that he has to conform to school rules. If he doesn’t, he is going to be singled out in front of his peers. Another reason is that children feel safe in the unconditional love they receive at home, where they’ll try to get away with proverbial murder, whereas at school the feeling of familiarity and safety is not so deeply entrenched – the world attaches conditions to whether we’re loved and accepted.
Children want to be liked by their peers, they seek approval from the teacher – and all this induces them to make a special effort in order to attain the required result.
This applies to older persons too. The elderly expect their children to love them regardless of their wit, wisdom or wealth. The outside world calculates the amount of love and affection worthy of being bestowed in terms of a “what’s in it for me” ratio. When you know you’re being judged by your performance, you put your best foot forward.
The answer to the question then, is that your parents or your children are not being difficult with you and nice to others – they are being totally themselves with you because it is the only place in life where they can be totally themselves. That implies we don’t have to mind our P’s and Q’s, we don’t have to pass an acceptance test, we’re unconditionally loved.
In conclusion, how do you feel about the Egyptian statesman Anwar Sadat’s words?
“Whenever I see a good quality in someone else, that is not in me, I always try to take it and put it in myself – without faulting myself for being without it or envying its possessor. I simply adopt it.”
Let us adopt a little more tolerance toward what appears to us as difficult behaviour, armed with the knowledge that it is not motivated by malice.
