“There is no wealth but life.”
The unromantic mother/son dynamic (where you tell your husband how much he can spend or what he can buy) is the first thing to go when you let him manage the finances. Remember: Men are not attracted to their mothers. The other changes that came about when I surrendered the finances were astounding. Not only was I reenergized when I stopped nagging and worrying, but there were miracles that I hadn’t experienced since those glory days when John and I were dating:
1. The miracle of perpetual dating:
Remember when you and your husband first met and you basked in the feeling of being taken care of every time he paid the dinner bill, bought the movie tickets, or financed a trip? Why should that warm feeling disappear after years of marriage? When your husband manages the finances, you may feel vulnerable, yes, but you will also feel protected and looked after.
Perpetual dating literally means returning to the roles each of you played during your courtship. Remember how much fun that was? Let him open the door for you. Order what appeals to you instead of trying to keep the price down. Don’t begrudge him spending money on his soda. Thank him for dinner, and tell him how much you enjoyed being with him. Let him take you out the way he used to. Or, if he didn’t take you out in the beginning, let him start doing it now. You deserve it.
2. The miracle of increased generosity:
When husbands manage the money, they tend to be much more generous with their wives than the wives were with themselves. Perhaps it’s because we’re just trying to be practical and spend less to put a little more into savings or pay off debt or swing a room addition for the house. We know we can get by with the shoes we have. But to our husbands, giving us things above and beyond what we need is a joy, so they surprise and spoil us.
When we slice and dice the family income, we rob them of the joy of giving. No matter how successful he is, he feels like a little worker bee, passively providing for his family. Instead of showering his wife with gifts, he simply puts a roof over her head, food on the table, and clothes on her back. By contrast, when your husband controls the finances, he is in the position to give you gifts every day. If you’re concerned that he’ll forget or one day deny you your gifts, don’t worry. That would be letting down the person who means the most to him in the world, and more than anything, men love the pride that comes with providing for and treating their wives. That delicious feeling of self-worth makes him feel masculine—and that’s a wonderful jumping off point for intimacy.
3. The miracle of greater prosperity:
When you are in charge of the balances, your husband has no relationship to the money he earns. He is removed from any incentive to increase his income because he has little influence over how the money‘s spent.
When husbands have an immediate relationship with the finances, they feel the urgency to keep the coffers full and to earn more and provide well. Men have a clearer sense of where the money‘s going and how much extra (or deficit) is left after the bills are paid when they have a firsthand account of the family‘s monetary needs.
Furthermore, if he’s had to accommodate your tendency to control everything—from when he goes to the doctor and dentist to how much money he spends—he has felt demeaned on some level, even if he hasn’t expressed it. If you’ve long suspected that your husband could be making more money or doing more with his talents, you’re probably right. Once he feels respected at home, his self-esteem increases, making him much more powerful at work. If the woman who knows him better than anyone else thinks he is sharp enough to handle the finances for the whole family and thanks him for doing such a good job, then he will start to believe that he is indeed smart and capable.
It makes sense if you think about it. The more you feel you’re worth, the more likely you are to prosper.
