Sometimes it’s tempting to soften your desires by asking your husband for something instead of just saying you want it. This may sound odd, but I notice women express themselves in questions all the time. I did it not long ago when a friend was over. The windows were open in the living room, and as I jumped up to close them, instead of saying, “I’m cold” I said, “Aren’t you cold? I’m going to close these.” As it turns out she wasn’t cold. She also didn’t mind my closing the windows, but it had nothing to do with her desires. I was the one who wanted to warm up, but I tried to win her agreement to make myself feel less selfish.
One woman was disappointed when her husband refused her after she asked, “Can we take the kids for pizza tonight?” Again, she didn’t come out and state her desire. She probably felt like she did, but instead, she asked him for something, as if he were Santa Claus, or her dad. Since he said, “No, not tonight,” he was the bad guy.
By contrast, if this woman had said, “I want to go out for pizza with the kids tonight,” as a statement, she would not have put any demands on him, but she would have given him the opportunity to make her happy.
Take ownership of your own desires by making a statement (as opposed to asking a question) that starts with “I want” or “I don’t want.”
Stop Projecting Your Desires
Sometimes we try to project our desires onto our husbands so that we don’t seem to want so much. Have you ever said something like, “Don’t you want to see the Grand Canyon this summer?” or “Don’t you think it would be great to have a swimming pool?” I have. Then, when my husband says he doesn‘t feel strongly about seeing the Grand Canyon or getting a swimming pool, I’m compelled to argue with him about why he doesn‘t want what I want. Then he gets exasperated and just agrees with me to keep the peace. But I don’t just want him to comply; I want him to feel the same way I do, even when he doesn‘t.
I find it’s much easier to take ownership of my desires by saying, “I want to see the Grand Canyon this summer,” or “I want to have a swimming pool.”
A variation on this theme is using the word “we” when what you really mean is “I.” Whenever you find yourself using the word “we” with your husband, chances are you’re trying to distance yourself from your own desire.
When my husband hears me saying that “we” should do this or that, he immediately sees that I’m speaking for him out of a need to control. He doesn‘t care about things that “we” want. He cares about things that I want.
Instead of saying “we need to get the kids piano lessons” or “we need new miniblinds,” try to say “I want to get the kids piano lessons” and “I want new miniblinds.”
