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Stop Telling Him How to Get You What You Want

As I’ve said, trying to tell your husband how to do something is highly ineffective. Still, it’s not unusual for women to try to get what they want by giving their husbands instructions about how to get it—as if he wouldn’t otherwise know that there’s such a thing as a florist or a mall nearby.

This doesn’t work because when a husband feels controlled or disrespected, he gets worn down and lethargic. He reacts with stinginess and distances himself because he’s lost the motivation to be generous. If you suspect your husband is stingy, it could be that he’s been so preoccupied with defending himself and avoiding your criticism that he hasn’t had the energy to focus on doing things to please you. If you excuse yourself from having to respect him because he seems so unkind and selfish, he will probably continue to withhold, and the two of you will be locked in a permanent standoff.

Let’s go back into the restaurant for a minute to illustrate this point. The server wants to take your order, but instead of telling her what you want—say the apricot chicken—you begin telling her how to prepare it. You describe how to clean the chicken properly, then how to season it, and how much of each ingredient to use. You tell her how to cook it, and for how long, and how to garnish it so it will be appetizing. Naturally, the restaurant staff would find you pretty irritating. Even if they did follow your instructions, they’d probably also take a nice long cigarette break before they brought your food to the table because nobody wants to be told how to do his job.

Fortunately, most of us go into a restaurant and order a meal without telling the server how to make it. This works beautifully. The server gives the order to the cook, who prepares the dish, which arrives at our table. Everybody is happy.

Although I don’t think of my husband as a server whose sole job is to fill my orders, this same system works very well in my marriage. If I tell my husband I want something, he works to get it for me as best he can.

If you think your happiness is a low priority for your husband, you’re dead wrong. He’s probably just responding defensively to you telling him how to do what you want him to do.

Once you are respecting him most of the time, his natural gratitude and desire to please you will surface, so start telling him what you want. Tell him in a way that is respectful and self-honoring by refraining from saying anything that could—even in the slightest way—be construed as controlling how he pleases you.

Just state your desire, and let him figure out the rest. When you say to your husband, “I want a new dress,” or “I want another baby,” or “I want a bigger house,” you are giving him a new opportunity to feel accomplished and proud about how happy he makes you. In return, you do feel happy and taken care of, and both of you appreciate that.

Notice, however, that these examples are all end-results. Expressing the desire for a new dress is very different from telling him to go to the department store and buy you a blue dress for your birthday. Saying you want another baby is far different from telling him he needs to wear looser underwear to keep his sperm count up. Saying you want a bigger house is a lot different than telling him to ask for a raise so the two of you can afford one.

Do you see the difference? I’m suggesting that you tell him the end-result, but not specify how it happens.

Stop Telling Him Why He Should Get You What You Want

Another common technique that women use to try to motivate their husbands to do what they want is giving them lengthy explanations to justify their demands. As you can imagine, this approach is also highly ineffective.

Just as you would tell the server at a restaurant what you want without a long song and dance about how hungry you are because You haven’t eaten all day, there’s no need to elaborate about why you want what you want.

It’s not necessary to say, “I want the apricot chicken becaus_e chicken is not as fatty as beef, and I like chicken with a sweet sauce on it and I’ve had the chicken here before and it’s not too dry.” Nor do you need to say, “I want to get a new dress because all of my old ones are worn out, and it’s been three years since I bought anything new for myself, and I saved $40 on groceries with coupons last month.” Although you’re just adding explanation_s, they sound dangerously like complaints, which automatically put him on the defensive and may even cause him to tune out. The subtext of your message is “You never think I deserve anything, but I am going to tell you why you’re wrong.”

Telling your husband what you want isn’t a play for power or a forum for testing how well he responds to your demands. Rather, it is a way for both of you to feel pleased. Saying, “I want a bigger house” is not the same as saying, “I want a new house because this one is so small it is absolutely driving me nuts! I’m sick of having to live in such cramped quarters. Plus, I think the neighborhood is going downhill. . .”