In the old days I used to tell my husband to stop watching so much TV. I would implore him to cut his late hours at work. I told him I needed help with the yard. Of course what I really wanted was for him to pay more attention to me. Needless to say at this Point, my strategy was worse than useless.
I now have a more vulnerable and more effective approach, which I’ll explain.
Let’s suppose you want more attention—more romance inyour marriage. Let’s suppose further that your husband is gone a lot because he works too much or plays golf frequently. You might feel that if he would just work or golf a little less and stay home a little more, he would have more time to for you. In your mind, whatever is taking all his time is preventing you from having long conversations, candlelight dinners and bubble baths for two. You might begin to resent whatever he does while he’s away because, in your mind, you are in competition with that activity for his time and attention.
Megan felt this way about her marriage. Her husband, Steve, was in a high-tech business and frequently worked late. She often told him she was sick of his working so much and that she needed help around the house. Of course, this didn’t keep him home more.
Steve probably felt defensive and unappreciated too. I’ve heard men say things like: “Doesn’t she realize that the reason I work so hard is for her?” Megan‘s requests probably sounded like pressure to her husband who was trying to balance the needs of his job with those of his family.
After surrendering, Megan learned that beneath her obvious feelings of anger was a more vulnerable feeling: loneliness. She missed her husband when he was gone a lot. Asking him to do things or “choring” him was her way of getting him to stay home. Instead of drawing him to her, her constant nagging was repelling him.
The turning point for Megan and Steve came when she found the courage to tell him what had been true all along: that she missed him!
As you can imagine, this approach had an impact. Steve didn’t say much, but he smiled and looked at her appreciatively. To her surprise, Steve managed to leave work earlier twice that week.
By letting him know she longed for his presence and his company, Megan was complimenting him where she used to harangue him. She made him feel important and needed on an emotional level, rather than just a utilitarian one.
The next time you find yourself wishing your husband wouldn’t read, watch TV, work, golf, or tinker so much, tell him you miss him. Say it as often as you feel it, even if you are self- conscious hearing the words come out of your mouth.
No matter what you miss your message is the same
Some women object to telling their husbands they miss them because they say that’s not how they feel. “I’m just overwhelmed taking care of the kids by myself all the time,” they tell me. The truth is these women do miss something about their husbands. Whether you miss his help disciplining the kids, his masculine presence, or your lover’s touch is immaterial. There’s only one message to convey: You miss him!
I know that it will take courage to deliver this message, but remember your husband loves your tender side. Think of how much dignity you’ll feel when you don’t hear yourself screeching and complaining like your mother on her worst day. Imagine how much energy you’ll save and harmony you’ll enjoy when you pass up the temptation to complain in favor of revealing your deepest feelings. If you crave romance, I assure you this is a worthwhile risk.
