Ladies and Gentlemen, this is truly an historic day! [Followed by an anniversaryhook.]
Ladies and Gentlemen, as Henry VIII said to each of his wives in turn, `I shall not keep you long’! [Or some other humour hook.]
It seems a little strange replying to the toast to the bridesmaids because, as you can see, I’m not a bridesmaid.
On behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank John for that toast. But to be honest I don’t think he did them justice. Never mind — today who can blame him? Clearly he only has eyes for Janet. I’m still single and emotionally unblinkered and I think they are the most delightful set of bridesmaids I’ve ever seen.
My job today is to talk of Steven — and there are no skeletons in his cupboard — or so I thought .
Dear Fred, utterly unspoilt by failure.
It is impossible to praise this guy too highly … it’s impossible to praise him at all.
Doesn’t Dean look great? They made wonderful suits in the ‘eighties.
This couple is bound to be happy because they’re both so very much in love with the bridegroom.
Greg told me he’s going to buy you all a drink — and a straw each so you can share it.
If I ever needed a brain transplant, I’d choose Jim’s because I’d want one that had never been used.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with Steve that a miracle can’t fix.
Linda, I’ve got some good news and some bad news about Paul’s boozing habits. Here’s the good news: he’s told me he’s not drinking anymore. Here’s the bad news: he’s told me he’s not drinking any less either.
Lee is a man of many parts — some still in working order.
They say blood is thicker than water. Nathan is thicker than both.
Jim is very responsible. If there’s a problem, you can be sure he’s responsible.
May your luck be like the capital of Ireland: always Dublin.
I’m supposed to sing the bridegroom’s praises and tell you all about his good points. Unfortunately, I can’t sing, and I can’t think of any good points.
Alf, if Audrey doesn’t treat you as she should — be thankful. It only takes one drink to get Steve drunk — the fourteenth.
He made that speech for nothing and, I’m sure you’ll agree, he was worth every penny.
This man is an inspiration to all of us. Let’s face it, if he can make it, then anyone can.
Jack became a millionaire last week. He didn’t win the Lottery — he just took his empties back to the off-licence.
Paul told me he bought his suit for a ridiculous figure. Looking at him today, I’m afraid I must agree.
Ronnie is so unlucky, if he were to be reincarnated he’d probably come back as himself.
No, I’m not married. I’ve always been round-shouldered.
I think the world of him. Mind you, look at the state the world’s in.
Tim told me the new baby looks just like him. ‘Well never mind,’ I said, `as long as it’s healthy.’
Barry used to drink so much lager, Fosters thought he was a wholesaler.
At school Tony walked away with all the prizes. Luckily his teacher caught him and made him put them back.
Geoff was never late for school — mainly because he never went. This is a man of no equals — only superiors.
The time has come for me, too, to take a wife. The only question remains: Whose wife to take?
Rick was the kind of kid his parents told him not to play with.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth — so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Pete’s a man of rare gifts. He hasn’t given one in years.
This is a man who started out as an underweight, inexperienced, unconfident dish washer in West Hartlepool. Unfortunately, he never lived up to his early promise.
After just two years working for Grace Brothers, Bill was given the key to the executive washroom. Then, after he’d scrubbed the place clean, he had to give the key back.
Every once in a while we have the opportunity to talk of a man of high achievement, transparent integrity and penetrating intellect. Not today though.
Tiffany finds Grant very attractive. Then again, she is on heavy medication.
I have to say to you, that, in all the years I have known him, no one has ever questioned his intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone mention it.
Since we met nearly ten years ago, there hasn’t been a day when I haven’t thought about him. And I haven’t thought about him today either.
