Even when a woman begins to understand a man‘s need to be in the cave, it is still difficult to tell when he is out. Women persistently ask me, “How do I know when it is a good time to talk? How do I know when he is in the cave?”
My favorite example to answer this question has to do with my daughter Lauren. One evening when she was seven years old she had attended one of my lectures on the differences between men and women. Although much of the time she was playing in the back, she had actually taken in a lot.
In that lecture I talked about not going into a man‘s cave. I hadn’t thought Lauren was listening, but on the way home she said, “Daddy, you said if you go into a man‘s cave you get burned by the dragon. Is that why sometimes you get angry at me? Is that just your dragon? Do you still love me?”
I said, “That’s right. Sometimes I am in my cave and just need to be alone for a while and then I come out again. Even if sometimes I feel frustrated or angry with you, I still love you very much.”
She said, “Thank you, Daddy, I’m sure glad I know about the cave.”
The next day she came up to me while 1 was reading the newspaper and said, “Daddy, are you in your cave? I don’t want to bother you if you are ’cause I don’t want to be burned by the dragon.” I told her that I was in the cave, but soon I would be out.
She then said, “Would you let me know when you are out, because I want to tell you about my day.”
When I finished reading the paper, I then easily remembered to find my daughter and ask her about her day.
Simple Answers but Difficult to Practice
Sometimes the answer to the most complex problems can be right before our eyes. Volumes of books have been written trying to answer the question of how to get a man to open up and yet, given the right understanding, a little child could find the answer.
The way to tell if a man is in his cave is simply to ask. Although it sounds simple, it does take a lot of practice not to feel rejected if he doesn’t want to talk. It is hard for a woman to ask because instinctively it is a shock to her when a man doesn’t want to talk.
The way to tell if a man is in his cave is simply to ask.This is because when she loves a man and feels safe to share her feelings, then after a long day she looks forward to sharing and talking with him. When she wants to talk and he doesn’t, it is embarrassing. It feels as though she loves him more than he loves her.
Initiating Sex Versus Initiating Conversation
A way for a man to understand a woman‘s sensitivity to this issue is to compare it to a man‘s sensitivity on the issue of sex. If he is turned on to her and she is not even interested in having sex, it can be very embarrassing to him.
When a man deeply loves a woman, one of the most potent ways he can feel her love is during sex. During arousal he is most sensitive to receiving and giving love. To be rejected when he is aroused is generally the most difficult challenge for him to handle in a relationship.
Every man who has passionately loved a woman knows how painful it is to love her and want to make love to her and then feel rejected sexually. If he then continues to initiate sex and his partner is repeatedly not in the mood, he then automatically stops feeling his desire for sex with her.
