What is the function of a referee in a boxing match? Certainly not to stop the fighting. In fact when there’s a boxing match, two people will always be fighting. No, the referee is there to make sure that there is no foul fighting. It is quite alright for two people to fight, as long as they adhere to the rules of fair fighting.
What a pity that there is no referee to monitor our marital conflicts. For the problem is not the fighting itself, but our particular style of fighting. Unfortunately it would seem that in most of our marital conflicts, foul fighting is the rule rather than the exception — and the injured partner has no one to appeal to when a foul blow is delivered.
When one or both partners adopt a win/lose approach to handling conflict they are out to win — and “winning” to them means “getting their own way”. There are basically two ways in which to get your own way. One is direct attack, the other is subtle manipulation. As we mature, each one of us learns which techniques are the most effective. A little girl may find that when she stages a big performance in the supermarket she is very likely to get some sweets if she screams loudly enough, since Mum will do anything to avoid embarassment. When that same little girl becomes a little wife, she may continue to kick up a big fuss in order to get her own way, the only difference being that by now she has learned to refine the technique and to use it very effectively.
Reasoning
In most marriages one partner is usually able to think more quickly than the other partner. People who can formulate their thoughts rapidly are usually able to verbalise them effortlessly, and this gives them a decided advantage when engaged in an argument with their partners.
Some time ago Joy and I were discussing a particular course of action that she should take. Because I can verbalise my thoughts quickly, I immediately suggested a course of action, and listed three reasons, one … two … and three … She responded with, “Yes, I suppose you are right”, and followed my suggestion. Several hours later she came home in a fury. “I’m not going to listen to you again! I won’t allow myself to be dominated! I should have followed my own ideas!” She then proceeded to tell me why my suggestion was off the mark, and gave some excellent reasons why her idea was by far the better one. I was quite taken aback and asked her why she hadn’t mentioned these reasons at the time. “Because when you come up with point one … point two … point three … I can’t think anymore!” she replied.
By my quick reasoning, I had “won” the argument, because Joy had not been able to provide a good counter-argument. But both of us had “lost” — and our relationship had suffered. We have since learned that simply because Joy cannot provide an immediate counter-argument, does not mean that there isn’t one. As a result I now help her to formulate her thoughts, before expressing my own point of view.
There is nothing wrong with logical. sound reasoning, unless presented in an overpowering manner or with the intention of out-arguing your partner in order to “win”, which reflects a win/lose approach. One partner may win, but if in the process the other partner loses, then both have lost, because the relationship is affected negatively.
