Kitbagging
Here one partner has an imaginary kitbag. Every little injury, every little offence, every little hurt is carefully stored in the kitbag. At the time nothing much is said. The person who uses this technique usually suffers in silence — until the kitbag is full. Then when the next disagreement occurs (and usually it’s an insignificant issue) there is an explosion! All the pent-up feelings and emotions come pouring out — usually to the utter amazement and total disbelief of the other partner, who simply cannot understand why such a small issue should bring about such an intense reaction. As one friend explained to me, “When my wife and I have an argument she usually becomes historical.” “you mean hysterical,” I replied. “No, historical. She keeps bringing up the past.”
Few people can withstand such a barrage of emotions, and most of us would succumb to such an onslaught. The people who use this technique therefore get their own way, and they start storing up “ammunition” again until there is enough in the kitbag to warrant another outburst.
Again, one of the partners may win, but the relationship suffers, and with time the other partner will become immune to these emotional outbursts. The outbursts will have to increase in volume and intensity, if they are to have the desired effect.
Blaming
A useful technique to get your own way is to blame your partner for the things that go wrong. If your partner points out any faults in your behaviour, you can always get him off your back by blaming him for it and making him feel guilty.
A friend of ours had often asked his wife to have supper ready at 17h30 so that he could have more time available in the evening. Whenever she was late with supper she didn’t wait for him to criticise her — she delivered the first blow by telling him that he expected too much of her and that he made impossible demands on her. By doing this she made sure that she “won” before the conflict over the late supper had even surfaced — but it did nothing to enhance the atmosphere in the home.
It is easy to blame your partner and to arouse his feelings of guilt. “You make me angry. You never help me around the house. You never take an interest in my work. If it wasn’t for you, I would have been able to …. ” etc. This seldom accomplishes anything, for attack leads to counter-attack and both partners end up on the losing side.
Criticism
Closely linked to blaming, is fault-finding. This is very easy to do for we are all aware of our partner‘s shortcomings. A wife may complain to her husband about his trampling mud into her clean lounge carpet. He immediately counters with an attack on her appearance — that she‘s always walking around in curlers: This may put her on the defensive, so that he “wins” the argument about the dirty carpets. But he forgets about the resentment she harbours as a result of his criticism.
When we criticise our partners, we often tend to generalise. “You never hang up your clothes.” “You always come home late.” Such generalisations are seldom true. It’s a foul way of fighting — and nobody ever wins.
Whenever people are dissatisfied with themselves they tend to find fault with others — particularly those closest to them. Because they cannot cover up their shortcomings in front of their partners they feel vulnerable and exposed. They try to counteract their feelings of inferiority by constantly criticising their partners and at the same time keep their partners at bay. No relationship can survive in such conditions. Husband and wife become entangled in a vicious circle of attack and counter-attack. In the process they destroy each other. No wonder that God warns us that if we “keep on biting and devouring each other” we will destroy each other (Galatians 5:15).
Ridiculing
All the techniques described so far, with the exception of reasoning, have concentrated on getting your own way by attacking your partner as a person. In most cases it is not the problem that is attacked, or the inappropriate behaviour — but the individual himself, or some personal characteristic. This is particularly evident when a person resorts to ridiculing as a method of getting his own way.
Ever heard a husband tell his wife not to be so stupid? Or a wife saying to her husband, “What do you know about a thing like this?” I have sometimes used high-flown words, and when my wife asked the meaning I have replied, “Wheat! don’t you know what it means?” in such a deprecating manner that she stopped asking. It was one way to win an argument, but it was definitely not a healthy one.
One of the most common ways of ridiculing is to accuse your partner of being childish. Another way is to laugh condescendingly in response to an opinion expressed by your partner, with a “how-naive-can-you-get”-look.
These techniques are all aimed at demolishing the op- Position. They may be acceptable practices in parliament (although even there they can be very counter-productive) but in marriage they are devastating. The relation always loses — and subsequently both husband and wife lose, regardless of who “wins” the argument.
By all means, let’s “fight” — conflict is a natural part of marriage. But let’s keep it clean and fair. Foul fighting leads to both parties being disqualified — both lose as far as personal growth is concerned.
