“My husband is a very attractive man and he’s the president of his own company although he is still young. I know that women are out to get him, especially some divorced secretaries who constantly flirt with him. I’m raising these kids here at home and I have to admit that I worry about holding Clive. I believe he’s been faithful to me, but I wonder if he will always turn down the opportunities around him? I mean, he comes home and tells me what these women do and say, and I can’t believe it! They practically proposition him. What can I do to hang on to my husband?”
Twenty years ago, your question would have seemed unnecessarily anxious and even a bit silly. But it makes plenty of sense today—the world has changed that much. There has always been hanky-panky going on, but never has it been so blatant and never have males and females been so bold in their pursuit of one another. More to the point of your concern, it is no longer considered taboo for an available woman to consciously lure a married man— even one with several children at home. He’s fair game to anyone who can entice him away from his family. A woman told me recently that her nice-looking husband reports that girls deliberately brush against him in the subway and make risqáe comments. Men are just as audacious in their pursuit of women, whether those women are married or not. Thus, the concern expressed in your question has a basis in reality.
Nevertheless, the solution is not to ‘hang on’ to Clive. You must not build a cage around him in an attempt to reduce your anxieties. That would only add unnecessary stresses to your relationship. Clive must stay with you of his own free will—the same reason for which he married you in the first place. Love must be free, even in a world of sexual intrigue and disloyalty.
Perhaps it would be helpful for me to offer a couple of perspectives that may not have occurred to’ you. First, Clive is primarily responsible for the insecurity you feel, one way or the other. He could allay your fears if he wished. It’s a fairly simple task for a man to let his wife know he is committed to her for life. Instead, Clive is regularly telling you about the sexy women who hang on to him and beg for his favours. That’s the source of your butterflies. Indeed, most instances of ‘competition anxiety’ among homemakers can be attributed to husbands like Clive who subtly create insecurities in their wives.
Why would a man do such a thing? What can be gained by dangling a partner in suspense over something so basic as a marital commitment? Well, the male ego enjoys being desired by women—lots of women. That’s why a married man will flirt with female employees even when he has no intention of being unfaithful. Furthermore, he will tell his wife about these admirers in order to gain ‘power’ in their relationship. Whether consciously or not, he is saying by these disclosures, ‘You’d better treat me right because there are plenty of other women just waiting to get their hands on me.’
At some point in your conversation with Clive, these dynamics should be discussed. I’m not suggesting that you hammer him with accusations or complaints, but an opportunity may come to verbalize your feelings and put the matter of competition in proper perspective. The healthiest families are those that can discuss this kind of sensitive subject in an atmosphere of openness and acceptance.
Before that conversation ensues, however, I think you should look at a related issue. The way you stated your question implies that your own self-esteem is none too high. Why do I get the feeling that you see yourself as a lowly homemaker in a world of female executives? Do you feel inferior to women in the business world? Is it possible that you feel fortunate to have ‘captured’ your good-looking, successful man and wonder how long the illusion will last? If these are secret weaknesses in your self-concept, they will be reflected in your relationship with your husband. He will sense your fearfulness—your unhealthy dependence—your unworthiness of his love. You must believe that you bring as much to the family as your husband does, and not only are you fortunate to be married to Clive, but he’s a pretty lucky man, too.
