Marriage partners can hold widely differing opinions without necessarily experiencing conflict. A woman may think that a particular movie star is wonderful. Her husband may disagree completely — yet it would not create conflict because it wouldn’t affect any decisions that they would have to make. However, when differences do affect a decision in the home, the conflict has to be handled effectively.
Decisions always lead to some sort of outcome, some sort of action. Therefore, it is important right from the start, that each partner states specifically what he or she would like to happen. When a wife accuses her husband of not being demonstrative, she is not expressing a specific desire in terms of action. If however, she says, “I would like you to give me a hug at least once a day,” she is declaring a specific wish in terms of what she would like the outcome to be.
These wishes must always be stated in the first person singular (so-called “I” messages) and they must always be expressed in terms of action or outcome rather than feelings. They must also be expressed without putting the partner under any kind of pressure. When a husband says to his wife, “You are more interested in your garden than in getting my supper ready on time,” he is not using an “I” message and at the same time he is “accusing” her of neglecting her marital responsibility. It would be far easier to adopt the win/win approach: “I would like to eat my supper at 17h30 if possible.” In this way he is not putting subtle pressure on her.
Other examples of “I” messages with reference to some of the cases mentioned previously might resemble the following
“I would like to spend our holiday at the seaside.”
“I would like to buy a new car, rather than a new lounge suite.” “I would like to serve supper between 18h00 and 18h30.”
“I would like you to give me more housekeeping money.”
“I would like to have at least four hours notice of any dinner guests.”
“I would like you to stop asking me to make love every evening.”
These are wishes that leave no doubt about your partner‘s feelings without you having to exert any pressure on your partner.
