It is very easy to get so involved in the discussion of one particular course of action, that we lose sight of other alternatives that are open to us. One couple was experiencing serious in-law problems. His mother used every possible opportunity to find fault with his wife and to run her down with the result that she lost all her self-confidence. One can imagine the tension this brought into their relationship. However, one evening this couple sat down and declared their wishes, wrote down all the relevant information and then listed about fourteen alternative ways of resolving the situation, providing a most valuable total perspective. Instead of arguing in circles they were able to focus their attention on a limited number of positive solutions.
In our example of the housekeeping allowance the alternatives listed might include stopping all clothes purchases for six months, reducing actual spending by 20% over the next year, increasing the allowance (with subsequent reduction elsewhere), drawing up a housekeeping budget, selling all outdated clothes, making a point of attending special sales offers, etc. etc.
While these alternatives are being listed they may not be discussed or even commented on. Remarks like “that will be the day”, or “it will never work”, must be avoided altogether. This is just a time of devising alternatives, no matter how inappropriate or outlandish they might seem.
Evaluate the Marriage Alternatives
The time for weighing up the alternative solutions is after they have all been listed. Even at this stage each person must avoid proposing an alternative as the solution — for having done so, you will feel morally obliged to defend your proposal. It is far more effective first to write down the pros and cons of each alternative.
Joy and I had been discussing a particular problem over a period of months, without coming up with a solution. Every time one of us proposed a solution the other one would point out some disadvantage in the proposed course of action. When we finally got down to listing all the alternatives with their pros and cons, we discovered that each alternative had some disadvantage. With great relief we decided on the solution with the smallest disadvantage, knowing that for us this was the best solution, even though it had some drawbacks.
The couple who experienced conflict in the area of love-making resolved their problem in a rather unique manner. The conflict arose when she told him not to ask her to make love, since his obvious disappointment and irritation when she didn’t feel up to it, made her feel a failure.
They started off by listing two alternatives. Either he initiated the love-making or he waited for her to initiate it. From this they identified further alternatives. If he initiated the love-making she could
- refuse
- agree reluctantly
- agree willingly.
If he waited for her to initiate the love-making she could – initiate it
- do nothing.
They then listed the outcome of each of these alternatives. If she refused, he would feel disappointed and she would feel a failure when he showed his dissatisfaction. If she agreed reluctantly he would feel humiliated (more about this in part five) and she would feel resentful. If she agreed willingly it would be great for both of them. Similarly if she initiated the love-making and he responded, it would be enjoyable for both of them. If she did not initiate the love-play he would feel frustrated, and if he showed it, she would again feel a failure and initiate it unwillingly.
Having analysed the situation, they both agreed that he should initiate the love-making. They also agreed that the worst outcome
