Fear of upsetting my partner
Sometimes we refrain from communicating what we really feel because we’re afraid it may hurt or upset our partners. We think that its heroic to “suffer in silence”. Sometimes it is confused with the biblical injunction to “bear your own burdens” or “to be the least”. A wife may feel that she’s expected to keep quiet when she doesn’t agree with her husband’s plan of action, because she doesn’t want to upset him. But that is not submission at all. The Bible tells us clearly to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). Keeping silent for fear of upsetting our partners can be very harmful.
Recently I heard of a widow who was totally heartbroken because her husband had known for a long time that he suffered from a fatal illness, yet she had only found out a few weeks before his death. She was more upset about the fact that he had not shown his trust by confiding in her than she was about the actual loss of her husband.
Keeping quiet because we don’t want to bother our partners with our problems is not an act of love — it is an act of selfishness that will only harm the relationship.
There is another danger in suppressing our emotions for they will find an outlet in more harmful ways. One of the reasons why men suffer more from heart disease than women do may be the fact that men are less inclined to share their frustrations and therefore experience more tension and more inner conflict. Suppressed emotions can also lead to bitterness or self-pity which in turn will have a negative effect on the marriage relationship. The answer is not to keep quiet but to learn together how to cope with comments that might possibly upset or hurt our partners.
Self-centredness
Another major barrier to communicating intimately is downright self-centredness — focussing almost exclusively on our own interests and needs. We can be so concerned about ourselves, our own moods our own emotions, our own ideas, our own plans that we have nothing left to give to our partners. Each person has a limited amount of emotional energy. The more we spend on ourselves, the less we have to spend on others.
Not only people who always talk about themselves are self- centred, but people who constantly think about themselves are self-centred too. Shy and withdrawn people are often so wrapped up in their own feelings of inadequacy and fear of rejection that they neither give of themselves to others, nor can they take an active interest in others.
Perhaps this is what Jesus was referring to when He said that the only way to find life is to lose it (Matthew 16:25). I cannot establish a meaningful relationship with another person if I am all wrapped up in myself. Emotional energy that is directed inwards cannot be directed outwards as well. One of the worst forms of self-centredness is self-pity which is a very enjoyable emotion, but a very destructive one — both for the individual and for the relationship.
Self-centredness is simply emotional immaturity — and it has nothing to do with age. A sixty-one-year-old can be just as immature as a twenty-one-year-old, for maturity is related to personal growth and development and not to physical age.
Can we change?
These barriers are not unsurmountable, no matter how serious they may be. Nobody is permanently tied to his past, no matter what the hang-up3 might be. The question that faces us is not “can we change?” but “do we want to change?”
Changing our behaviour — and specifically the communication pattern between ourselves and our partners — is going to take a great deal of effort, patience and courage.
Effort, because it will not happen of its own accord — it must be worked at.
Patience, because we will not succeed fully at the first attempt — we will have to try, try and try again.
Courage, because changing involves emotional discomfort. There’s a real temptation to do nothing — to let things slide, to continue with the same communication style as before. This is certainly much easier. But the price we will have to pay for such an attitude in the long run cannot be calculated — we only know that it will be a very heavy price to pay. For without meaningful gut-level communication we can never grow as individuals — we can only shrivel psychologically. We may achieve power, wealth and so-called success, and yet fail to develop our full human potential. Again the choice is ours.
