What is love?
Husbands are commanded to love their wives. But what does “to love” mean? Is love “not having to say you’re sorry”, or is it “that funny feeling you get when your eyes meet”? What did God intend when He told husbands to love their wives?
Where do we get our concept of romantic love from? Most of us get it from songs, love stories and movies, and all of these say the same thing, namely that love is a feeling or an emotion that leads to action. There is also the strong implication that it is an emotion that justifies all kinds of behaviour.
A woman once walked into my office and said, “I no longer love my husband.” What she meant was that she no longer experienced this feeling of love for her husband, and that she was therefore quite prepared to break up her marriage and to even give up her two-year-old son. Another indication of this belief is the argument men use most often to get a woman into bed, viz. “I love you” — suggesting that love even justifies immoral behaviour.
How does God define love? In the original Greek wording of the Bible, two words were used to describe love: phileo and agape. Phileo can best be described as “affection” and it certainly implies love that involves the emotion. When, for example, Jesus wept at the grave of Lazarus, the people said, “See how He loved him,” (John 11:36). Here the word for love is phileo. Agape, on the other hand, can best be defined as “a unilateral readiness to meet the need of another person”. When Jesus illustrated what it meant to “love your neighbour”, he told the story of the Good Samaritan who saw a man lying at the side of the road, wounded and beaten by robbers. He dressed his wounds and paid for his accommodation at an inn until he was completely recovered. Now that Samaritan could not have had an affection for the victim, since he didn’t know him. In fact he may not even have liked him, especially since Jews and Samaritans hated each other. Yet he acted to meet the man’s need — that was agape love.
In 1 John 3:16 we have an explicit definition of love (agape). “This is how we know what love is : Jesus Christ laid down His life for us.” Again it refers to an action rather than to an emotion. The command to “love your enemies” is agape and is decribed in Romans 12:20. “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty give him something to drink.” I find it very hard to like my enemies or to feel affection for them — but I can act to meet their needs.
You don’t have to like your wife
Both in Ephesians 5:25 and Colossians 3:19 where husbands are told to love their wives, the word agape is used. This means that you don’t have to like your wife or even feel an affection for her — but you must act to meet her needs materially, physically, socially and spiritually. That was the solemn vow that you made on your wedding day. You accepted the responsibility for her total welfare. You have to love her whether you feel like it or not.
What about the feelings of love?
I am not denying the role of emotions and feelings in love. However, it is not the emotions that lead to behaviour — it is the behaviour that brings about the emotions. And the deeper the need that is being met, the deeper the affection that follows. Although the Bible does not specifically say so, we can be reasonably sure that eventually the Good Samaritan probably experienced a genuine liking for the man he had rescued. I have often given a lift to a complete stranger. By the time I drop him at his destination I usually experience some feeling of affection for him, however slight it may be. The feeling follows the action. The Bible confirms this view. Romans 5:8 says, “God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners Christ died for us.” This is agape love which God gives to every human being, even though as sinners they want nothing to do with Him. When Jesus spoke to His disciples privately He told them that “The Father Himself loves you because you have loved Me and have believed that I came from God,” (John 16:27) — here the word is phileo. It suggests that although God “so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son”, He has a special affection for those who respond to His love and put their trust in Him. This in turn leads to more loving action. In Revelation 3:19 for example, God says, “Those whom I love (phileo) I rebuke and discipline.”
As husbands we do not have to experience a feeling of affection before we act lovingly towards our wives — but as we act, so the feelings of love will follow. That means if you want to fall in love all over again, start acting lovingly.
I can’t be a hypocrite
Some people have reacted strongly against this approach, saying that anybody who acts contrary to his feelings is a hypocrite. If that is in fact a valid argument, then I must confess that most winter mornings I am a hypocrite — for in getting out of bed I definitely act contrary to my feelings. No, that does not make me a hypocrite — that’s merely doing what is required of me — and after a little while I enjoy being up and around and don’t want to return to bed. Being a hypocrite is trying to pretend that I am something which I am not. Similarly when I act lovingly towards my wife, even though I don’t feel very loving — I am simply obeying God‘s command.
That sounds right to me – that feeling and action are intertwined. To act lovingly tends to promote the feeling – and the feeling, when it’s genuine and we’re conscious enough of it, prompts loving action.