What are my partner‘s expectations?
Some expectations are determined by social roles (although these may be changing). For example, it is normally expected of a wife to prepare the meals. It is usually expected of the husband to see to the maintenance of the house, etc.
Most expectations will depend entirely on the individual couple. In one home the husband may be expected to put the children to bed, in another home the wife may be expected to administer the finances.
There are also expectations as far as the relationship is concerned. A husband may expect his wife to tell him whenever she is annoyed with him, or he expects her to trust him when he’s out late, or he expects her to support him in disciplining the children. A wife may expect her husband to compliment her regularly, to share his frustrations and ambitions with her, to take her out to dinner every once in a while, etc.
These expectations do not always have to be in general terms. They can also be very specific for a particular situation. I sometimes have expectations as to how we are going to spend a particular evening, or what we are going to do on holiday. Joy may have expectations of what we will do when friends come to spend a weekend with us, etc.
If these expectations are not met, the partner will feel cheated, and be unhappy and resentful. The problem is aggravated by the fact that many of these expectations are not always expressed clearly or, even more important, are not mutually agreed on. Even if one partner expresses his or her expectations, the other partner may not think them reasonable. They must therefore be discussed and agreed on.
I mentioned previously that Joy expected me to help her with some of the household chores without her having to ask me to do so. I felt this expectation was unreasonable. We have since agreed that when she asks, I will help her willingly — and it’s working well.
However, merely doing what is expected of you does not bring marital happiness — although in so many homes this is where the focus is placed. Many a man will work long hours every day to
“provide his family with the very best” — yet it doesn’t make his family happy. In fact his frequent absences from the home are often a source of unhappiness. In the same way, a wife may concentrate on being the best possible housekeeper — running an immaculate household, yet not making her husband happy.
Liz was such a wife. Her home was always spotlessly clean. Her meals always ensured a healthy, balanced diet. Her family was always neatly dressed. Yet her husband left her for a woman who was far more sloppy and unconcerned. What he was looking for was someone who would make him happy — and as a result Liz lost him, even though she had done everything that could have been expected of her. She had, however, failed to meet his emotional needs.
What are my partner‘s emotional needs?
Although individuals are unique and certainly differ in their emotional needs, we can come to some general conclusions about the emotional needs of a man and the emotional needs of a woman.
At this point we need to turn to the Bible to find out what God has to say on the subject. In Ephesians 5:33 we read, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband.” What does that tell us about the essence of the husband‘s and the wife‘s emotional needs?
It tells us that a woman‘s emotional need is to be loved, cherished, protected and understood. I Peter 3:7 for example, says, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner.” The sad thing about the women’s liberation movement is that it demands treatment from men which will actually deprive women of having their deepest emotional need satisfied.
The Bible also tells us that a man‘s greatest emotional need is to be respected, admired and looked up to. That is why in Colossians 3:18 wives are commanded to submit to their husbands — not because they are in any way inferior but because this meets their husbands‘ deepest emotional needs.
Overcoming the curse
I pointed out that God had cursed the marriage relationship because of sin. This curse meant that the woman would desire to control her husband and the man would rule over his wife. Now in the New Testament we read God’s prescription for a happy marriage — and it’s the very opposite. Instead of wanting to control her husband, the wife must now submit to him. Instead of ruling over his wife the husband must love her to the point of giving himself to her. This is the key to happiness in marriage.
