Be specific — avoid generalisations
Words like “never” and “always” are usually not true (I was tempted to say “are never true”). When a wife says to her husband, “You never show me any affection,” she is leaving herself wide open to being proved incorrect, because the husband will probably remind her that several weeks ago he had given her an affectionate hug. It would be much more effective to say something like, “I know that you love me, but I’d like you to remind me of it more often — especially by putting your arms around me more frequently.”
Be specific, especially with regard to things that you would like to happen. Many of the words we use are abstract and mean different things to different people. Avoid saying things like, “Please be more understanding,” or “loving” or “tolerant”. These words are abstract. Instead of using “understanding” you could talk about “helping me think through my own reasoning”, or instead of “loving” you could talk about “giving me more compliments when I do things that you like”. Instead of referring to “being tolerant” you could ask your partner not to express his or her disapproval every time you make a mistake. These are action words that are specific as opposed to concept words that are abstract.
Please ensure that your non-verbal communication does not contradict your verbal communication. Asking your partner to tell you more about their ideas, while you are yawning your head off will not exactly encourage them to elaborate further.
A good friend of mine recently installed new kitchen cupboards for his wife. He complained to me that same day that his wife was rather ungrateful since she had not even said “thank you”. When I had a chance to talk to her alone, I asked her whether she had thanked her husband for the cupboards and she immediately said, “Oh yes, the minute they were fitted.” The only explanation for this discrepancy is that she must have thanked him in such a casual manner that it didn’t even register.
Beware of the casual “thanks” or the half-hearted compliment. The manner in which you communicate will either add emphasis to what you have to say or contradict it. I have been stressing the fact that it is important to say what you mean, but it is just as important to mean what you say. And this you can only convey non-verbally.
Don’t attack your partner
Criticism, fault-finding, condemning, blaming, all lead to win/lose arguments. They are counter-productive, break down the relationship, as well as the individual concerned, and always reduce the level of communication.
Express your own emotions in terms of “I” messages, without putting your partner on the defensive. “I feel afraid”, “I feel inadequate”, “I feel upset”, “I feel depressed”, “I am jealous”, “I am furious”, “I am …”, etc. are statements that all explain how you feel. If some of these feelings are caused by your partner‘s behaviour you can avoid their defensiveness by specifically stating, “I’m not accusing you of being wrong. I only want you to know that these are the emotions I experience when you behave that way.”
I cannot stress this enough — don’t judge your partner. It never accomplishes anything and it will destroy your marriage if you do it often enough.
Don’t defend yourself
When your partner shares something with you that may appear to be an attack, don’t try to justify your behaviour. Your motives may have been misunderstood or misjudged, but that’s not the point. The point is that your partner saw it in a certain light, and that needs to be resolved. Trying to justify your behaviour leads to win/lose conflicts. A far better response is to explore why your partner saw it in the particular light that they did and how such misunderstandings can be avoided in the future.
Defensiveness only reduces the level of communication. Some years ago I bought a house without Joy having seen it. Basically it was a lovely house but there were small things that’ she didn’t like, for example, there weren’t enough kitchen drawers. The problem presented itself whenever she mentioned any of these things — I would immediately see it as a criticism of my judgement, and accuse her of not appreciating what I had provided for her. Of course, this was not true — but it upset both of us, spoiling our relationship for a day or two. It would have been far more useful to discuss ways and means of rectifying some of these shortcomings in the house.
