Report emotions immediately
Our emotional problems do not stem from the fact that we experience them, but from the fact that we act on them. It is one thing to feel disappointed, quite another to walk round the house sulking for several days. It’s one thing to experience anxiety about the safety of your school-going children, but it’s another thing to keep them indoors at all times.
When we act on emotions, especially the negative ones, it can be very detrimental to marriage. No jealous wife has ever kept her husband faithful with nagging accusations — in fact it may be the very thing to alienate him. Nor must emotions be suppressed, for they will find an outlet of some kind — usually a more harmful one, like physical illness.
The answer lies in reporting your emotions at the time you are experiencing them. If you feel anger welling up inside you, don’t try to suppress it, it will only cause a burning resentment. Nor should you fly into a rage, for this may have serious consequences. It would be far more appropriate to tell your partner, “Right now, I’m flipping mad.”
Obviously it is not possible to report every emotion the moment you experience it — especially when there are others present. However, it is very important to tell your partner how you feel at the best possible opportunity. The more you report your feelings, the less likely you are to act on them or to suppress them, thus avoiding unpleasant consequences.
Be honest
Say what you feel. Report your emotions. Let your partner know where and why it hurts — even if he or she has been the cause of the hurt. The worst thing to answer when your partner asks you what the matter is would be to say, “Nothing.” Rather tell him that you’re upset, but you can’t talk about it right away or you’ll burst into tears. Or say that you feel depressed and you don’t know why, but your partner is not the cause of this. In this way you’re not leaving your partner guessing.
Your negative emotions must be reported honestly and openly even when your partner has been the cause of the way you feel. Always report them in love. Say it in a way that will not be inerpreted as an attack or criticism for this will only worsen the situation. Occasionally when I come up with a bright idea and share it with Joy, she sometimes expresses doubts in a way that dampens all my enthusiasm. I once suggested that the two of us spend a long weekend at a seaside hotel. Instead of being excited, she expressed reservations about the cost, what to do with the children, etc. When I challenged her about her pessimism she defended herself by saying, “Surely it’s important for me to report my feelings honestly?” Yes, it is important, but we need to be careful how we report them. Nowadays, she first expresses her enthusiasm and then she starts asking questions!
Honesty is no justification for hurting or condemning your partner. That’s why I stressed the importance of “I” messages to avoid the element of personal criticism. If Joy had responded to myweekend suggestion with something like, “That would be fabulous, however, I’m a little concerned about leaving the children behind,” it would have had a different effect on me. (That weekend turned out to be an absolute highlight in our marriage.)
State your motives
Explain yourself fully. When I ask Joy, “What time will we have dinner?” she might think that I’m ravenous and want to eat as quickly as possible. As a result, she might feel guilty if there were some delay. However, I might have asked that question because I wanted to get stuck into doing something in my workshop that will require at least half an hour. Had she known that she would have responded differently. It would therefore be far better if I told her my reason for asking.
Avoid “loaded” questions. State your reason for asking. When someone asks me, “Are you doing anything on Friday evening?” I usually reply, “It all depends” — for they might be inviting me to a party, or they might be inviting me to attend a meeting in which I have no interest at all.
More marital arguments are caused by misunderstanding our partner’s motives than by any other factor. Tell your partner why you want to do things in a particular way, why you feel the way you do, why you ask the questions that you do. Openness generates openness, while subtlety leads to all kinds of verbal skirmishes. Don’t hint at the way you feel, or what you would like to happen. Say it directly. One of the areas of conflict that Joy and I are working through at the moment concerns the amount of help I give her at home, especially when we have guests. I usually become so engrossed in the conversation that I am oblivious to her need for help. She, on the other hand, feels that I should be more alert, and offer my help without her having to ask me. She is now working hard at asking me directly — and I’m working hard at anticipating her wishes.
