How much do you want to?
Margot had walked out on her husband even though they had been married for less than a year. She was convinced that he no longer loved her, that he didn’t really care for her. When she asked me what she should do, I advised her to tell him that she would like to go back, but only if he was willing to see a marriage counsellor with her. When he ‘phoned her and asked her to come back because he “couldn’t live without her”, she told him that she would, but on condition that they attended regular counselling sessions. He was not prepared to do this and one wonders how much he really loved her and whether he wanted their marriage to succeed.
We would all like to enrich our marriages, to improve our ways of handling conflict, to raise the level of our communication. The question is how much do we really want it? Are we serious enough and determined enough to work at it, or will we only try if we can find some short-cut method? Unfortunately there are no magic formulae, no quick remedies, no instant solutions. If we are going to improve our communication it will require effort, patience and courage.
Fight for time
When we have something at heart that we want to discuss or share with our partners, we usually make the time for it. Every now and then Joy makes me sit down and listen to her. It’s usually no problem to make time for this kind of communication. However, the most meaningful communication is usually unplanned. We can’t schedule it by saying, “When you come back this evening I’d like to share some of my fears with you.” To ensure that such communication does take place, we have to set aside lime to be alone together. By scheduling such times just to be alone together, we set the stage for deeper communication.
Firstly we must plan this on a daily basis. For instance, set aside the first 15 minutes after homecoming just to share the events of the day with each other. In some households this may be impossible. Then find another time of the day. If you can’t, you’d better re-think your priorities. Something will have to go, otherwise your relationship will.
Secondly, set aside one evening a month — or perhaps one evening every two weeks for a fixed appointment that must receive priority over everything short of an emergency. Treat it just as you would an appointment with a V.I.P., for that’s precisely what it is. Of course the important thing is to ensure that you have time to talk. Take a walk, go for a drive, dine out, go to a coffee bar, sit in the garden, sit in the lounge, etc. Doing things together like watching a movie or TV can be lots of fun, but it doesn’t provide much of an opportunity to communicate.
Thirdly, go away at least one weekend per year — without the kids. This is an absolute must. It doesn’t really matter where you go to, as long as you have lots of time to be alone and talk. Joy and I look back on some of these weekends as highlights in our relationship.
Ask someone to stay with your children, or else let them stay with friends. You can even arrange a swop so that your friends can go away for a weekend while you have their children. Where there’s a will, there’s a way!
Listen to each other
Don’t just hear out your partner politely. Listen with understanding. To do that you must first allow them to explain themselves fully. So many times I have interrupted my wife, assuming that I knew what she was trying to say, and sometimes I did know — but she felt cheated.
Secondly, it is important to ask questions and to encourage them to elaborate further. Ask them what, where, who, when and especially how and why. In the past, whenever Joy said something with which I disagreed, I would immediately come up with some counterarguments. Now I’m working hard at responding with questions like, “Can you give me some reasons why you think the way you do?” When she gives me some good reasons that I may not have considered, I may even change my views. If she can’t find any sound reasons, she may change her views. Even better, ask about feelings. The more you ask questions like, “How did that make you feel?” the more you’ll be communicating at gut-level.
Another good listening technique is to restate the ideas and feelings your partner has just expressed. A comment like, “If I understand you correctly, you are saying that …”, will either be confirmed or corrected, but always ensure good understanding. Above all, effective listening demands undivided attention. Listening with half an ear while you are doing something else is telling your partner in no uncertain terms what value you place on his or her communication. Occasionally Joy and I have found ourselves getting into a deep discussion while she is preparing a meal. Initially when the conversation was interrupted by food that was ready to be served, we decided that we’d continue after the meal but somehow we never did. Now when we get talking in the kitchen she turns the stove down or switches it off, so that she can give me her undivided attention. Rather an intimate sharing and a late supper than a meal on time with no sharing.
So be on your guard, for you are not really listening when
- you say you understand before your partner has fully explained
- you have a solution before your partner has told you the real problem
- you cut your partner off before he or she has finished speaking
- you finish the sentence for your partner
- you are critical of your partner‘s grammar, vocabulary or accent
- you are dying to tell your partner something while he or she is talking
- you tell about your own experiences, making your partner‘s seem unimportant.
The key to listening is not your ability to do so, but rather your determination to do so effectively.
