The fourth way in which a husband is to love his wife is to be sensitive to her moods and feelings. 1 Peter 3:7 also says that husbands are to “be considerate as you live with your wives”. The word “considerate” can also be translated “according to knowledge”, and it suggests understanding them and accepting them.
This means accepting their moods and emotional fluctuations. It means taking the trouble to listen to them — to be sensitive to their needs. It means learning to express love in their language — rather than in your language. And in their language, love means tenderness and gentleness.
It has taken Joy quite a few years to put some romantic notions into my head. I always considered things like flowers, little love notes, special greeting cards or a slab of chocolate as “sentimental rubbish”. But I’m learning, and it never ceases to amaze me what a tremendous return on investment I get from the money I spend on a bunch of flowers, or a single red rose, not to mention things like opening the car door for her, walking on the right side of her in a busy street, and generally treating her as I did when we were courting. An occasional ‘phone call in the middle of the day just to say “hello” also works wonders. Ian Webber, the well known marriage counsellor, told us of a husband who was often away on business trips, but always ‘phoned his wife at 19h00. This did not impress her at all, and she accused him of only thinking about her five minutes before he called and forgetting about her five minutes after he had hung up! Later in a private conversation, Ian advised him to ‘phone her in the middle of the day. The husband reluctantly agreed and so on his next trip about 400 km away from home, he ‘phoned her at 11h00 in the morning. When she heard it was him she said, “Hang on, I’ll just get pen and paper to write down the message.” He had quite a problem convincing her that he did not want her to do anything — that he’d just ‘phoned to say “hi”. After quite a long conversation he hung up and, on the spur of the moment informed his colleagues that he had to go home for a while and that he would be back in a few day’s time. However, halfway home he passed his wife going in the other direction. She too had told her teenage children that she would be away for a few days. They discovered each other all over again.
Loving your wife means trying to understand her — and to do that you must take the time to communicate intimately with her.
Leading her
There are numerous areas where a husband can provide loving leadership. For some it may be with regard to disciplining the children, for others it may be guidance on how to deal with the domestic servant. One wife may need help with household budgeting, another may need direction with regard to the kind of Christmas gifts she should buy for the family. Whatever the need or the situation is, a husband must provide leadership in the areas where his wife needs help most.
Above all, he needs to be the spiritual leader in the home. The Bible states clearly that “the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church” (Ephesians 5:23). If you abdicate this responsibility there is a breakdown in the authority structure that God instituted for the home — with many negative consequences, not only for the marriage relationship and your own personal development, but also for the children who grow up in that situation.
Do yourself a favour
One last thought on the matter of loving your wife. The two of you are one — whether you like it or not. So every time you run her down, you run yourself down. Every time you build her up, you build yourself up. Every time you love her, you love yourself. No woman will be able to resist being loved the way. Her response will be to love you, to look up to you, and to meet your every emotional need. No wonder then that the man who loves his wife is only doing himself a favour.
Just one word of caution. If you suddenly bring her some flowers, or start complimenting her, she may get the fright of her life. Depending on her temperament she will either ask you, “What do you want from me?” or she will want to know what you’ve been up to.
Changing your typical behaviour is not easy and some men have tried to do it very gradually. But that doesn’t work very well. A more effective approach is to tell your wife that you’ve read an article that has made you realize how little you do to express your appreciation for her — and that you’ve bought her some flowers (or whatever) just to tell her that she’s a fabulous wife.
I accept no responsibility for the consequences of her reaction!
