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Proverbs 31 describes “a wife of noble character”. One reason why she is such a terrific woman is because her husband praises her (verse 28). Few things have such a powerful influence on a person as a genuine compliment. Every word of praise and appreciation builds a woman up — every word of criticism breaks her down. What’s more, we always behave in accordance with what others tell us about ourselves. If, for instance, you constantly tell a child that he is naughty, he will see himself as a naughty child and behave accordingly. I’m not talking about the occasional outburst of the parent, but rather about the continual message that the child receives about himself.

When you frequently tell your wife what a dull cook she is, or what a lousy lover she is, she will become more and more like that. If you constantly pick her out, she will come to the conclusion that she is a failure as a wife, and she will act like one.

However, when you praise her, when you tell her how much you appreciate her, when you frequently remind her of her strengths, it has the same effect on her — and she will begin to act accordingly.

Men often lose sight of the fact that they get their recognition in the work situation — most of us anyway. We accomplish things that we are proud of, we are consulted and looked up to, many of us enjoy some kind of status, we are noticed by others — and this meets a very important need in us. But where does your wife get recognition from? If she doesn’t get it from you, she doesn’t get it at all. I am convinced that many mothers of young children go back into full-time employment, not so much for financial reasons as for recognition.

In what areas can you praise her? I would suggest five areas where you can begin to look out for things she does well.

— As companion. Do you enjoy her company? Is she fun to be with? Do you enjoy talking to her as much as you did during your courtship? Even if your answer is generally “no” then look for the odd occasion when you do enjoy being with her — and then tell her how much you enjoyed her company.

— As home manager. Does she spend your money wisely? Does she cook well? Does she manage the housekeeping well? How often do you express appreciation for the neatly ironed clothes in your wardrobe? Is your home attractively furnished and decorated? Do you take these things for granted, because it’s expected of her, or do you tell her how much you appreciate her hard work?

I refuse to refer to Joy as a housewife. It has become an almost degrading expression, especially when a woman refers to herself as “just a housewife”. When I am asked to indicate my wife‘s occupation I either put down domestic economist or home builder — because that’s precisely what she is. She is not the wife of a house. She is my wife, and a terrific one at that.

— As mother. Last year Joy attended a weekend conference and I looked after our three small children. It was then that I really began to appreciate what it must take out of her to mother them day after day. It’s not that they are particularly difficult or disobedient — they just demand a great deal of attention, as all children do. Sometimes I just wonder how she manages to cope.

I recognise that the characters of our three children have been mainly Joy‘s accomplishment — and I regularly let her know that she‘s doing a great job as a mother. I also make sure that our children express their appreciation frequently. It’s those words of praise that will change your wife‘s household drudgery into a joyful task, because she knows that she is being appreciated.

I also try to meet her emotional needs in this area by occasionally taking the children out on my own, just to give her a break. Or I bath the baby, and change his nappy when she‘s had a particularly heavy day. In each instance these actions meet her emotional needs, because I’m letting her know that I care for her welfare.

As lover. Do you ever tell her how attractive she looks? Do you express admiration for her taste in clothes? Do you notice when her hair looks particularly nice? In the early years of our marriage Joy used to make a special effort to look attractive for my coming home from the office. I started expressing my appreciation, and the result was that to this day she makes an effort to look good when I come home. And just reminding her from time to time how I appreciate it, ensures that she continues to do so.

Do you ever tell her that she‘s a good lover — that she really satisfies you sexually? Do you tell her how sexually attractive she is to you? Women are very sensitive in this area. So many magazines bombard her with the need “to perform in bed” that, unless you reassure her constantly, she may develop an anxiety in this area that will actually prevent her from being a good lover.

Each year Joy becomes more attractive to me. I think her taste in clothes has improved tremendously over the years. Her hairstyle and grooming is always such that I’m proud of her in any company. But I also know that she feels attractive (and behaves accordingly) because I keep on telling her how terrific she looks.

As spiritual partner. Does your wife set the standard for spiritual life in your home? Does she seek to live a godly life and educate the children in the ways of the Lord? Is she an example to you and the children? If so, do you tell her so? Or do you criticise her in other areas because she makes you feel guilty about your own spiritual life? A godly woman can be a man’s greatest asset, for she determines the quality of your home life. Don’t erode that asset.

Many a woman is frustrated because she feels spiritually alone — either getting no support from her husband, or actually receiving only opposition or disdain. Even if you find it difficult to provide the spiritual leadership in the home, you can at least encourage and support her in this area — and give her recognition for the spiritual standard that she maintains in the home.

Every husband gets the wife that he deserves, for she becomes what he makes of her. If you constantly run her down, you’ll end up with a disgraceful wife. If you constantly build her up, you’ll have a wife with a noble character. Proverbs 12:4 says, “A wife of noble character is her husband‘s crown, but a disgraceful wife is decay to his bones.”

The choice is yours as to what kind of person your wife will develop into.